Monday, October 19, 2009

TOP 10: Things I Steal

The beauty of my thievery is not only the fact I'm not obliged to be armed and dangerous, but also I don't have to put on makeup or leave home to pull-off the heist.

The unpleasant part of the crime is I am sometimes caught in the act or prior to the robbery I ask permission to take something that doesn't belong to me. Big mistake. After many years of doing this, I've found stealth and subterfuge are the best methods.

Have a good alibi. Do any necessary explaining after the fact if you get caught. 

You may be a far better person than I and wouldn't dream of such undercover tactics and I'll say right this minute: I admire you for your honesty, but honestly sometimes it wastes so much time whining and begging when you want instant gratification that you no longer want what you wanted. (Are you with me?)

I steal what I like from drawers and closets. Nuance: They are not my drawers or closets. I pilfer from My-Reason-for-Living-in-France. If he says something like: "Have you seen my navy blue cashmere V-neck sweater?" I will reply, "Just a second, let me look for it." Then I produce the sweater. (You see, I don't lie even though I steal.)

Here then is some of my favorite loot. . .

TOP 10: Things I Steal

1.) Cuff-links: The silk braided ones in a variety of colors from Charvet and a pair of onyx and mother-of-pearl with a tiny diamond in the center -- love those.

2.) Silk pochettes: I put them in the pockets of my jackets and on occasion twist a couple together to make a scarf necklace.

3.) Neckties: Used as belts. He has 75,000 ties and wears only two of them so it's not as if this is a capital crime.

4.) Above mentioned V-neck sweaters.

5.) His watch. This I admit is verrrrry tricky and requires my highly developed persuasion skills. Even someone as clever as I cannot just rip-off a Cartier Tank watch. I confess I've failed on occasion.

6.) Chanel Monsieur cologne. Since I smell just like he does, it's hard for him to notice whether it's me or him. 

7.) A blue/gray cashmere scarf. It's the only one he owns, given to him by me before I knew he didn't wear scarves.

8.) His pleated front tuxedo shirt. We have the same length arms -- 34 inches.

9.) Linen handkerchiefs. Love handkerchiefs period, but men's are the best.

10.) Burlington argyle socks. He has them in every imaginable color combo -- thanks to me, I might add -- which I sometimes wear with my moccasins in the winter.

Et voilà.


Jacqueline said...

Oh, that's brilliant. I'm off to my husbands wardrobe to see what I can pilfer !!!! XXXX

The Daily Connoisseur said...

Lol- very sneaky and very ingenious. My husband probably wouldn't notice if I took anything of his though- sad!

Marsi said...

You are SO droll, Tish. This is terribly clever, and your husband has many a pinch-worthy item in his armoire. How could you possibly resist? A men's Cartier tank (preferably antique) is the #1 item on my wish list.

I steal demitasse spoons from restaurants whenever one comes with my coffee or dessert. I have about two dozen. I leave an extra-nice tip for my server to alleviate my conscience.

Clarity said...

That was the most intriguing post title Tish!

Quite brilliant, I'm sure he doesn't mind you *borrowing* and I agree, the mens cartier is far preferable to the womens. Same with most colognes. But I have a soft spot for "Cool Water", pedestrian, I know but it reminds me of limes and the ocean.

Does your beloved read this blog? If so I feel your bandit days may be over - it's not half as much fun if he knows...

Someday I hope to fall in love and loot my husband's wardrobe too ...*she says staring wistfully at the moon*

auroreMIL said...

Je fais la même chose !!
Ses chaussettes en fil d'écosse confortables et chaudes dans des bottes...
Ses chemises pour dormir (so sexy !)
Je vais tenter de lui voler sa Cartier qu'il possèdera dés que j'aurai gagné au loto.LOLL

My Carolina Kitchen said...

How fun. Great idea to use men's ties as sashes. I frequently wear a watch my Dad left my husband.

I like men's small handbags that look like little clutch purses, but my husband wouldn't be caught dead with a handbag, much less anything you call a purse. So I bought myself one the last time we were in France. Tres chic.

Shelley said...

Will have to try the sash idea (would love a picture). Also, might you show us a picture of a scarf necklace? Thanks for visiting my blog -- hope you'll come back and see us again soon!

Simone said...

Good Morning!

I really enjoyed your writing, very amusing....a Cartier Tank would look perfect on my wrist too :)

Thank you so much for the very nice comment on my blog, thanks for reading.

Hoorah for Taurus :)


vicki archer said...

What a good idea...cuff links, ties and cashmere...I could use all three. xv

Dedene said...

If he leaves those things lying around, why shouldn't you put them to good use?
Seems like complete sharing is part of the French marriage contract.

aaonce said...

Hmm, me thinks your post is going to encourage "spontaneous" rounds of pilfering everywhere. I have always loved my husband's handkerchiefs. His watches are way too heavy/large for my little wrists, but he has the cooolest collection of lapel pins/tie tacks which I borrow for my scarves/lapels as well. Socks are always fair game in my house. He has soo many he never notices. said...

Jacqueline, I SURE you'll find something smashing you'll put together in a creative way. Do tell.xx

Dear TDC: It's much easier when they don't notice. Trust me.

Marsi, I'm shocked (!) Spoons?

Clarity, The most successful post title I've ever had is "Cross Dressing" when I've talked about women wearing men's clothes -- as we all love to do. You cannot imagine the hits I get, nor the countries from which they come.

Aurore, I'm so excited you wrote in French cherie.

Sam, I never thought of that. Interesting. But just like you I'd have to buy it for myself.

Shelley, I'll see if I can get someone to model the ties and pochette. Stay-tuned. It's not going to be me.

Simone, I was thrilled to find you. Yesterday thought you didn't have a "followers" gadget, but thankfully found it today.

Dedene, I can usually get away with most thefts, but the watch is tricky. If it's not on him, he's usually looking for it. I have to be up-front about it otherwise I would have to lie and as I mentioned, I steal, but I don't lie.

Aaonce, Lucky you. There is not one single tie tacks or lapel pins in this entire house. No socks aren't even a challenge and aren't men's handkerchiefs wonderful?

Design Cracker said...

Such a stealth genius! haha how is the knitting coming???

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